Have you ever been told to “just calm down” when you feel you could explode? This often makes matters worse, causing you to feel even more frustrated.
Unfortunately, being told to calm down does nothing to help the anger you may be feeling. In that moment, you may feel completely out of control, like you want to scream as loud as you can.
You may have been told by others you have trouble managing your anger, but what does this mean?
Anger can present itself in physical forms, such as a faster heartbeat or tense muscles. It can also manifest in mental forms, like becoming easily irritated or starting to resent others.
When anger takes over like this, you may find yourself becoming overly aggressive, trying to start fights, shouting, or breaking things.
Anger itself is a normal human response to something frustrating occurring, but when it is becoming a daily part of your life, and you feel like you have no control of your actions, it could mean you have a problem.
Luckily, there are things you can do to avoid your anger from taking control (and to avoid others telling you to “just calm down!")
The first step in controlling your anger is identifying your triggers and what the first warning signs are of your anger taking charge.
Look back on past experiences where you have felt intense anger. What were the circumstances that triggered an anger response? Did somebody do or say something that caused this? What did you do when you felt anger building up, and how did you feel after you had calmed down?
Understanding why we get angry, and how we act in that moment, is key to being able to manage our anger. You may see patterns starting to emerge, and in the future you may be able to avoid these circumstances or develop coping techniques especially for those moments.
Still unsure what causes your anger? Try making a mood diary, writing down all the times you feel intense anger, and what you were doing during that time.
You may find your anger is a result of ‘black and white thinking’. This is where you are seeing scenarios only as one or two extremes, with no in-between. An example is “that person is always trying to provoke me”. In reality, that person could be having a bad day, and provoking you was never their intention. Beginning to think about alternative explanations to things causing your anger may help you create more positive thought patterns, preventing anger from becoming controlling.
It is also perfectly fine to excuse yourself from situations you find are increasing your anger. Go outside, take a deep breath, and think about what emotions you are feeling in that moment. You can return to the situation whenever you feel ready, this avoids any arguments or confrontations that may occur.
In the long-term, developing your communication skills will massively improve your ability to cope during periods of intense anger. If you are able to calmly and respectfully tell others what you are feeling and why, this prevents situations from becoming out of your control.
This won’t be a skill that can be developed overnight, it will take practice. Try using “I feel…” statements as opposed to immediately jumping to blame. Take your time, thinking about your thought patterns and what the other person’s point of view may be.
Remember, it is okay to feel angry, however it is not okay to hurt yourself, others or damage property.
If you want to discuss how we can help you to control your anger, come see us at the PSS Wellbeing Centre or call us on 0151 7080 415.