In our previous post we discussed how we, during infancy, develop attachment styles with our caregiver and how this can very much hinder - or help - our start in life.
This, including other outside influences, can very much determine how we feel about ourselves and the world around us.
Now we will explore ways you can help yourself to heal from a difficult childhood.
When we feel deprived, or denied, of a fulfilling childhood, we experience a sense of loss for what we missed out on having. We look around us, noticing loving bonds which we may never have experienced.
When trauma is experienced as a child it internalises the feeling that they are to blame. As an adult these feelings become deep – rooted, leading us to berate ourselves endlessly, never feeling deserving or worthy of care.
You may feel neglected, despondent or sad, you can even feel resentful of what you were denied at such a tender age. These feelings can carry into adulthood and it’s very hard to know how to handle that hurt.
Grieving is one of the most powerful ways to acknowledge your pain. To detect – and reflect – on difficult times in your past and those uncomfortable feelings that arise along with it.
Remember, all emotions are valid, so you must give yourself that permission to feel sad, angry or frustrated without judgement. It can be extraordinarily difficult to sit with these emotions, so try to perceive them as temporary visitors, just passing through and not defining who you are as a person.
The grieving process really is as individual as our fingerprints, there’s no set of rules dictating the right or wrong way to grieve and there’s no time length attached to it. Grieving helps us acknowledge – and accept – what’s happened, it helps us recognise an integral part of who we are and hopefully, become more empowered by it.
Confronting a troubled past may evoke emotional or physical manifestations, maybe even outbursts, tears or social withdrawing. It’s no wonder why we may feel reluctant to talk at all as it’s in our very biology to repress negative emotions in favour of the good. In fact, sometimes we may even engage in self – sabotaging behaviour to avoid pain. This can include self – medicating and self – isolating, so it’s important to be aware of any red flags that warn an unhealthy change in your behaviour. It is for these reasons why it is advised to explore these emotions under the guidance of a therapist – or a mental health professional – which will help you through the grief process in a safe and nurturing environment.
When a therapist isn’t accessible, or feasible, a trusted friend or relative can help in releasing the pent-up feelings past trauma can bring. So be sure to seek out face to face support from those who can take care of you.
Another way to protect yourself when dealing with trauma is to utilise a technique called grounding, a therapeutic approach that roots yourself back to the present moment.
Grounding techniques are useful because they help distance yourself from an emotional experience. It’s important to appreciate that confronting trauma can place your mind – and body – under a lot of stress. This is where grounding techniques come in, as it can help calm the body down and restore your mentality back to the present moment.
The 5-4-3-2-1 Technique
This is the one of the most common grounding techniques.
- Firstly, start with five things you can see. Look around you and see what falls into your eyeline. It can be anything; from the clothes you are wearing to maybe a plane in the sky.
- Next concentrate on four things you can feel. This could be sensations on your skin, temperatures and textures and being aware of what you can touch.
- Now three things you can hear. Tune in to your environment, can you hear any birdsong or traffic? Maybe people talking or a clock ticking?
- Then you need two things you can smell. This may be a bit harder, but maybe you can smell the scent of your perfume, or the freshness of newly mowed glass.
- Finally we move on to one thing we can taste. Maybe pop a mint or a sweet in your mouth and really pay attention to the flavours.
This technique should provide a way to anchor ourselves in the present moment; by refocusing our attention on the here and now we can regain a sense of calmness and clarity. It’s important, that when tackling trauma, we show ourselves the same consideration - or care - we may be so willing to give to others.
Another reason why it is so important to practice self – compassion is it neutralises negative self – talk, that inner kindness is you permitting yourself to be cared for.
One exercise to inspire more self – compassion involves putting aside some time aside to look at a photo of you as a child. Give yourself a few minutes to really absorb the photo. Take in the innocence of that child in the picture. Then ask yourself, would you repeat your most negative self – talk to that child? Are they truly deserving of your harsh words? Or do they deserve kindness and respect?
For that child is a person, and that child is you. Allow yourself to speak directly to the child and say something loving and kind to this most vulnerable part of you. For example, you might say ‘I think you’re brave and strong’ or perhaps ‘I am here for you.’
During this activity you may find unexpected feelings arise in you. This is natural, so acknowledge these emotions but let them pass, drifting by like a cloud in the sky.
The goal of this technique is to form a healing bond between the adult you and your inner child, learning to give yourself the affection and attention you need. Some questions you can ask yourself on finishing the practice include ‘What are you going to give that child from now on?’ or ‘What am I going to do for that child to make them feel comfortable and safe?’
Allowing yourself to feel your feelings, no matter how uncomfortable or unpredictable they may be, allows you to embrace your humanness. It’s important to not deflect – or redirect – what you feel and let your body responds how it needs to.
This might be a good cry, having a good yell or punching a pillow, expressing your emotions – in a productive, healthy way – allows those trapped emotions to move through you.
It’s important to listen to what these emotions are telling you. Are they providing with any insight about the past? Or are they telling you a troublesome or limiting belief about yourself? Try journaling to see what reflections and revelations come forward.
The process of healing deep, emotional wounds can be a difficult journey, but one you don’t have to take alone.
For more support visit:
ASSIST Trauma Care
The National Association of People Abused in Childhood