This article is divided into two sections.
Part 1.
How many times have you heard,
Don’t dwell on the past…
Or,
But that was ages ago!
Or maybe?
Move on and forget about it!
From these statements you would be led to believe that, when it comes to the past, we can simply hit a delete button and erase any memories. However, some experiences, especially in infancy and childhood, can stay with us for a lifetime.
Our history is not something that can be dismissed, or something we can wipe clean, in fact, our past is hugely fundamental when shaping who we are today. It can influence our thinking, our concept of self, our values and beliefs.
Let’s go right back to childhood. When, from the moment we open our eyes, we are absorbing everything around us. The sights, sounds, the sensations of touch and taste. Your world, so very small and fragile, is dependent on your caregiver.
In fact, for the first two years of life our brain development – social, emotional and cognitive - depends on the bonds we form during infancy.
The quality of the attachment is very much dependent on the responsiveness of the caregiver. A secure attachment style develops when there is a healthy emotional bond between child and caregiver. It will be evident as the child will feel safe and secure when the caregiver is present. The child will have their needs met consistently, with the caregiver featuring as a constant source of comfort and support.
On the contrary, an insecure attachment style may be formed if the child – for reasons which may, or may not, be unavoidable – feels neglected or uncared for.
In these cases, the care that is given to the child is inconsistent, whether it be restricted, unreliable or withheld, leading to the child developing attachment issues and the inability to properly connect.
Why does all this matter? Because the love and attention we receive off our caregiver can help or hinder our early stages of social and emotional development in all categories of our life.
Children with a secure attachment benefit from a more advantageous starting point in life, with better social skills, self-esteem and mental health.
Whereas children with attachment difficulties may struggle with their social awareness and confidence. These children may become overly dependent, or withdraw completely, struggling with their identity and self-esteem.
As we grow, and our world gets a little wider, there are many other contributing factors that shape our core beliefs and how we feel about ourselves to this day. Your schooling, community, peers… all this pours into our beliefs about the world and our beliefs about ourself.
So, what happens if we didn’t have the best start in life?
Maybe, you were raised in an abusive, unsafe home. Or perhaps you were bullied at school, or by a parent or sibling. Maybe you were never at school, or you fell in with a bad crowd. Perhaps times were hard and you weren’t ever sure where the next meal was coming from… or you were given duties and responsibilities beyond what should be expected of any child.
These memories, often very painful, can taint our view of the world and of ourselves. We may believe the world is a difficult, scary place, one where we will be unlikely to thrive and succeed.
And when we grow up believing this to be true, we look for evidence in support of this. Hunting for proof so we can turn a thought into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Say you struggled at school and one day a teacher, peer or caregiver told you ‘you’ll never achieve anything.’ This careless, untrue comment goes from being a careless, untrue comment to a piece of solid concrete evidence, ready to be tucked away in your mind’s fact file of why you’ll never succeed.
This careless comment now has the potential to encourage you there’s no point trying. You might stop engaging in lessons or drop out of school altogether, collating as further ‘evidence’ that you were never meant to succeed.
In our next article we will be discussing how you can start to make peace with your past.